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Sunday, January 07, 2007

Stupid news of 2006

I just got this via email from my scottish friend. I had to post it.



Subject: Candidates For 2006

As Ron White often says : " You can't fix stupid." These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.

The candidates this year are....

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot
high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
Buxton , NC
: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DCappeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather &Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andovertownship, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter- stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham 's foot was never located.

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves..."Shit happens."


and to think I never open FW emails now I know why.


jin said...

Are those really true?

Dino aka Katy said...

i doubt it. I checked out the last one and that has been an urban legend since 98. but they still are funny

REAL said...

I was totally believing them.
Do you know why I believed them?

Because they were all guys except for the couple one and that could probably also have been blamed on the guy.

Beth said...

LOL! these are hilarious!!

let me tell ya, we got to the Outer banks every year and people are digging holes all over the beach! what's WRONG with these people! You walk on the beach at night and you fall right in....not tht I ever did that or anything.

Nicole said...

Love the Darwin Awards, look forward to it every year.

angel said...

mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha! i never open those emails either!

Dino aka Katy said...

Real - yeah I guess the guy factor some are actually true.

Beth - yeah I have seen those when we went there. We have friends down that way and like to go whenever we get a chance

Nicole - they sure are funny to read.

Angel - I don't know why I opened this one but hey it made for a heck of a post

Dan said...

Sadly, I have a feeling that I personally know every person mentioned in this post.

The Phosgene Kid said...

My favorite has always been the guy that strapped a rocket to his car.

We have lots of contenders around here, but Natural Selection is slow in catching up to them.

Library Mama said...

I found these deeply disturbing.

The seventh place one gives me an excellent excuse not to take up jogging, though!


Dino aka Katy said...

Dan - yeah I think I may have met some

Phos - well it will catch up eventually

Mama - any excuse to forgo running is a good one. I hate running but I like the cross trainer and love to swim

Jewels said...

Heh! Heh! Heh! "Shit Happens", giggles... ;)

Oh, yeah, I got a terrible visual on the one with the long flashlight. Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Would make for a great CSI episode tho...