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Friday, June 22, 2007

Jealous?!

So I got a call from my good friend from Germany. I have known M. for geee ahmn 18 years. Her and I were in the same lifeguard association so we trained together weekly and once I was 13 we also started hanging out together. We'd go to the "Erle" every Saturday. She introduced me to her clique which consisted mainly of people she went to school with. They were all 3 years older than me which was cool since I rarely hung out with people my own age. So we chatted got caught up on current events - her 24kg weightloss!!! and how her little one is doing in school and so forth. Then she was like he guess who became a dad on 4/30?
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Denny! I was like cool I am happy for him and on we went. After I hung up with her that annoying little feeling started to crawl out from under a rock somewhere inside me. I couldn't put my finger on it at first but after thinking about it I think I am jealous.

Don't get me wrong I am happy for him but the fact that he was my first (as in first real boyfriend, first lover, first guy that looked at me as if there was no other female on the planet, first guy that wanted me to be his wife and mother of his children) and now has a baby that kind of bothers me I am trying to figure out why.

Grumpy and I have been trying and I am still no closer to being a mom than I was 10 years ago. I am so annoyed by this I mean Grumpy and I are in such a great place right now, we love each other and love spending time together be it doing fun things or just hanging out. We rarely fight - actually we only had one real fight in the 4 years of our relationship. We are so completely compatible and comfortable with one another its unreal (I mean I am not an easy woman to live with or love!) This is what I always thought true love should be like so why aren't we allowed to have a family? This whole baby thing is driving me nuts. I take a ton of meds trying to get my body to where it will let me be pregnant. I take my basal temp and so forth so why me. I am so sick of hearing about all these people being pregnant or just having become parents I don't even get a fu..ing period. I could scream when I hear about these people getting pregnant that don't want kids or worse hear about people killing their babies. I have wanted a baby for 10 years and it just seems like I wont get there ------ ever and that is depressing.

8 comments:

Lesley said...

I'm so sorry. I would be jealous too. It seems so unfair that it happens to some people so easily and then it's so difficult for people who really deserve it and can give a child a good and loving home.

I go on some message boards for women with PCOS, and I am amazed at the lengths that some women go to in order to conceive. It is inspiring, though, to read the success stories.

I really hope it happens for you soon. I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts!

Coaster Punchman said...

I'll keep wishing the best for you. There are certainly a lot of kids out there who do need homes as well.

angel said...

BIIIIG BIIIIG hugs and lotsa love dino... i can only imagine your & grumpy's frustration and heartache.

Dino aka Katy said...

Lesley - thanks I know you understand

CP - yeah Grumpy and I talked about that and I am interested in being Foster parents

Angel - thanks

Jewels said...

K, I can sympathize in a different way. I have the opposite problem, I am fertile, fertile, fertile. Hubby and I simply CAN'T afford another baby, truly, we can't. We go to great lengths NOT to get pregnant.

If I could, I'd make one for you!

One of my daughter's little friends' mom has the same issues you mention here. Her and her husband really wanted children, so they've got two adopted daughters. She can get pregnant, but can't seem to be able to carry a baby to term. She just went through a FOURTH in-vitro fertilization, and after many years, and many tens of thousands of dollars, little John Emmet was born.

So, hand in there Katy. If it is meant to be, it WILL happen.


Now, if I'm not being too forward; I would seriously get that lack of period thing checked out. (that just doesn't sound right to me...)

As for the ex, that's normal. We all have a first, and trust me, they feel the same way when WE move on. It's a proprietary thing. You never want your first to move on without you. ;)

Hang in there Katy.

Dino aka Katy said...

Jewels - It would be great if we could trade the fertility ability. Thanks for your kind words. I know there are still quit a few things out there I can try its just some days seem more hopeless than others. I doubt I'd got for invitro because there are many children already on this earth that need help but we'll see.
As for the period thing it is the reason for all this I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and everything from my weight gain to missing periods are caused by it. It took the doctors over 5 years to finally listen to me and diagnosing it.

Jewels said...

strange how it affects people differently. Not sure if I havePCOS, but I was diagnosed with poly cystic ovaries. Have had it since puberty, my Nana developed Endometriosis from it, and had to have a hysterectomy (that's how they dealt with it back in the day..)I get long and heavy periods... menorrhagia... not nice...

Dino aka Katy said...

Jewels - yeah there are a lot of symptoms I have but thankfully not all of them.