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Saturday, March 31, 2007

How do you do it

I just had a horrible call. I have spent the minutes since then on the verge of tears and in tears - I hate crying but I just can't help myself.

The caller was my friend AJ - she had gotten some bad news, the cancer has won and she only has 4-6 weeks to live. There is nothing else they can do for her and she wanted to see me one more time. We were both crying shortly after that. She is 39! I am going to see her this afternoon and as many times as I can after that. I am not sure how I am going to manage as I really don't want to be falling apart there with her I know I can't do that to her. But how do you keep it together?????? Just thinking about it makes me cry. I am taking Mac with me as she loved her and her dog Shawna will be happy to have someone to play with I am sure.

I feel like such a lousy friend. I haven't seen her in god I think about a year maybe more. I hadn't really talk to her for a while there too. I feel so bad that I got so caught up in my life and in the illusion that she would be fine since it had been 4 years (the doctors had given her 6 months). I feel so bad that I hesitated when she needed a place to stay and more than anything I feel bad that I am so damn occupied with feeling guilty about the things I didn't do - which I guess makes me pretty damn selfish.

22 comments:

Lesley said...

Katy, I am so sorry. This is such sad and terrible news, and I'm so sorry for your friend. I think you are being a good friend now by reaching out to her and spending time with her. I will keep her in my prayers.

And as some of our blogfriends would say, here's some cyber hugs for you.

Dino aka Katy said...

Lesley - thank you. I did see her this afternoon and managed to keep it together. I will try to stop by after work on most days that I don't have to run from one place to another

Library Mama said...

Oh, Katy, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for your friend, but I'm also sorry for you. You've done such a great job of describing your feelings that I felt like I was feeling them along with you. I know it's easy for me to tell you not to feel guilty, but try not to. Like Lesley says above, you are there for her now, and that's what she needs. You're a great friend.

Take care.

Dino aka Katy said...

LM- thanks I am actually doing okay now. Once my brain set in and rationalized everything I did better

Molecular Turtle said...

I'm really really sorry to hear that. But don't let yourself get caught up with the guilt just make the most of the time you have left.

Dino aka Katy said...

Turtle - thanks I will

Bathroom Hippo said...


Wow...what a horrible position to be in.

Guess when things are put into perspective we should all be thankful for life.

You're both in my prayers.

Coaster Punchman said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I second what the others said about the guilt. It is a useless emotion. You are not responsible for anyone else anyway, but it's very nice of you to be a friend now to her.

Dino aka Katy said...

Hippo - thanks and yeah it kind of puts things in prospective doesn't it

CP - thanks. As for the guilt mhh easier said than done - my mom trained me well in terms of making me feel guilty for stuff I had no choice in the first place

Beth said...

aw Katy...I am SO sorry. that just sucks big time. Make the most of the time you have left...what else can you do, really?

I'll be praying for you and your friend.

Dino aka Katy said...

Beth - thanks. I was going to see her today but she is out visiting a friend and her energy is not enough for more than that. But I had asked her if she wanted me to cook something for her and she said she always liked the soups so I am making a big pot of potato soup to take over tomorrow.

Library Mama said...

Mmmmm - potato soup. I'm sure that will do a lot to cheer her.

Glad to read that you're feeling a little better now, too.

jin said...

Hang in there Katy!
I'm sure spending time with her now will have a positive impact.

{{{{{{ *cyber hugs* }}}}}}}

Call me if you need to talk!!

Eternally Curious said...

Oh Katy - now your gift of the recipe is so much more precious! I thank you with all my heart.

I do not know you, nor your friend ... and I'm really, really scared and nervous to even mention this ... but I do so only because I know it to be my truth in my circumstance. Not saying my truth is (or should be) everyone's truth, just hoping to share a slightly different point of view that might have some meaning. Anyway, you may know that I'm a cancer survivor and, well, for me the hardest thing to deal with hasn't been the disease. Or the surgery. Or the chemo. Or even the fear of recurrence. It has been the fact that I can't get people to be "real" around me. I'm a talker and confronter. I need to know fully the "truth" of not only what I'm feeling and thinking, but also (and most importantly, to me) what others are thinking and going through. But everyone wanted to be "be strong" for me (and does still). And those that don't, they simply want to avoid me and the subject entirely. It was so incredibly difficult for me to deal with that and to break all those barriers down. Indeed, I often felt the level of difficulty to be bordering on cruelty! I wanted, no I needed, people to feel free to cry in front of me ... so that I could cry! And I wanted people to be angry, visibly angry, so that I could be angry too! I wanted people to have the freedom and the courage (and the release) to admit to any feelings, any and all of them, even including guilt, so that I could be just as free to open my arms and heart to them, to let them know I understood.

I do not know if this is what your friend wants. I do know it probably won't hurt anything (or anyone) at all to simply, carefully and lovingly - just ask her.

Dino aka Katy said...

Jin - thanks I will

EC - yeah she is a lot like you and I made a point to be there by myself for a bit yesterday so we could talk about the disease and her will, funeral and so on. She also wants to go on one last vacation and I told her that I'd be happy to accompany her since she can't travel alone anymore. I wanted to be sure she knows she can talk to me about whatever and I think she does. I did get close to crying a few times too.

Bubs said...

Katy I'm sorry. There aren't any words that are adequate. You're not a lousy friend at all--life moves so quickly no matter what we want, and beating yourself up does no good. Just being there for the next few weeks or months is the most you can do.

Crying with someone who cares about you is better than crying alone.

Justmee said...

Sorry to hear about your friend. I wish I had some words of wisdom about your feelings. I myself have already been down this road with my friends son. All you can do now is think about the now. What you can do to make her smile, and live out the rest of her days as happy as possible. With good thoughts. This could be your give back. You're a great person Katy, Im sure you will find/know what you should do. My prayers are with you and your friend. Maggie

Dino aka Katy said...

Bubs - thanks so much. I will keep that in mind

Maggie - thanks so much

Cherry! said...

That's such terrible news! I'm so sorry to hear that. You never know though, she may live longer than they have said. Stay positive and enjoy every minute you share with her from now on in. xxx

Dino aka Katy said...

Cherry - thanks and we are hoping for that she had beat the odds before

angel said...

katy katy katy... i'm so sad for both of you. how have things gone since this post? did you get to see her?

Dino aka Katy said...

Angel - well she is okay i guess its been sad I try to see her as much as I can