I got it!

My buddy just returned my one laptop - with a new harddrive so I am back! However I am exhausted so I am off to bed. Talk to you all soon

Still waiting

on getting one of my computers to work. In the meantime there is really nothing much to report. Work last night sucked all my tables drank water and I had crappy tippers (like $5 on $48) and one lady that walked out without paying for her check. Today was the au pair meeting at the book store. I did pick up the book for my newest fav vampire series. Mind you I wasn't looking for the series just a book and picked up not realizing that it was the book the series is based one. Can't wait to read it. But before I get to that one I am checking out another book. I decided I really need to pick up meditation to get my head back to "normal".

Sunday afternoon

Sunday afternoon
Originally uploaded by dino0477.

At Grumpys moms for his stepfathers b-day

crap

crap
Originally uploaded by dino0477.

Damn now I can't even boot

Jealous?!

So I got a call from my good friend from Germany. I have known M. for geee ahmn 18 years. Her and I were in the same lifeguard association so we trained together weekly and once I was 13 we also started hanging out together. We'd go to the "Erle" every Saturday. She introduced me to her clique which consisted mainly of people she went to school with. They were all 3 years older than me which was cool since I rarely hung out with people my own age. So we chatted got caught up on current events - her 24kg weightloss!!! and how her little one is doing in school and so forth. Then she was like he guess who became a dad on 4/30?
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Denny! I was like cool I am happy for him and on we went. After I hung up with her that annoying little feeling started to crawl out from under a rock somewhere inside me. I couldn't put my finger on it at first but after thinking about it I think I am jealous.

Don't get me wrong I am happy for him but the fact that he was my first (as in first real boyfriend, first lover, first guy that looked at me as if there was no other female on the planet, first guy that wanted me to be his wife and mother of his children) and now has a baby that kind of bothers me I am trying to figure out why.

Grumpy and I have been trying and I am still no closer to being a mom than I was 10 years ago. I am so annoyed by this I mean Grumpy and I are in such a great place right now, we love each other and love spending time together be it doing fun things or just hanging out. We rarely fight - actually we only had one real fight in the 4 years of our relationship. We are so completely compatible and comfortable with one another its unreal (I mean I am not an easy woman to live with or love!) This is what I always thought true love should be like so why aren't we allowed to have a family? This whole baby thing is driving me nuts. I take a ton of meds trying to get my body to where it will let me be pregnant. I take my basal temp and so forth so why me. I am so sick of hearing about all these people being pregnant or just having become parents I don't even get a fu..ing period. I could scream when I hear about these people getting pregnant that don't want kids or worse hear about people killing their babies. I have wanted a baby for 10 years and it just seems like I wont get there ------ ever and that is depressing.

Giving up

Giving up
Originally uploaded by dino0477.

I am going home i have been here for over 13hs doesn't look like got much done does it