Rest In Peace

My friend AJ with our friend Danielle on AJ's birthday May4,2007.

A little after 1 am my friend passed away. The past few days were really rough and her strength was dwindling rapidly. I got to see her every day for the past few days which was great. We hung out chatted and watched movies. When I called her yesterday afternoon I didn't get an answer and when I checked my phone later at the restaurant I had a message that she had a stroke. I went to see her after work but she was not awake. I talked to her, told her its okay to go see her parents and we will be fine here without her. I hung out a little bit then bid her goodnight and goodbye and went home. The call came about an hour later. I know she is better off now but it still sucks. I will miss her terribly. Times like this is when I wish I believed in something beyond all this so I'd know for sure she is in a better place.

How do you do it

I just had a horrible call. I have spent the minutes since then on the verge of tears and in tears - I hate crying but I just can't help myself.

The caller was my friend AJ - she had gotten some bad news, the cancer has won and she only has 4-6 weeks to live. There is nothing else they can do for her and she wanted to see me one more time. We were both crying shortly after that. She is 39! I am going to see her this afternoon and as many times as I can after that. I am not sure how I am going to manage as I really don't want to be falling apart there with her I know I can't do that to her. But how do you keep it together?????? Just thinking about it makes me cry. I am taking Mac with me as she loved her and her dog Shawna will be happy to have someone to play with I am sure.

I feel like such a lousy friend. I haven't seen her in god I think about a year maybe more. I hadn't really talk to her for a while there too. I feel so bad that I got so caught up in my life and in the illusion that she would be fine since it had been 4 years (the doctors had given her 6 months). I feel so bad that I hesitated when she needed a place to stay and more than anything I feel bad that I am so damn occupied with feeling guilty about the things I didn't do - which I guess makes me pretty damn selfish.